I surrender.

I've had about 75 blogs written in my head between my last entry and now.  The only trouble is that i haven't had/made the time to sit down at the computer to actually type any of them out. 

There's been something on my mind lately that I've recently become sickeningly aware of everywhere I turn.  Most assuredly from myself to begin with.  Its life-sucking and miserable to be around.  Its even more miserable to succumb to it and be (ironically) controlled by it.  Its called control.

Have you ever thought about what a pet peeve is?  Its basically something you can't stand because you have no control over the action or the person who is performing your pet peeve.  You don't like it because its out of your control.  Have you ever been around a close friend or family member who didn't do something exactly the way you would have?  In all honesty, its often difficult to not offer your two cents of how you'd i.e. reheat the leftovers (microwave vs stove top) or how slow/fast to drive, or how to load the dishwasher, cut the roast, change a diaper, fold the towels, replace the toilet paper (roll face up vs down- it can be a very personal preference!).  All these little "things" and desires for control add up to be a whole lot of wasted energy and time inside our heads.  You know what it breeds?  Discontentment, disappointment, dislike and ultimately can succumb to bitterness and separation.  Emotionally, physically and spiritually.  

What's the opposite?  SURRENDER.

In light of Mother's day I have a little personal story for you.  Sorry for the gritty details, it just comes with the territory.  On Mother's day 2010 I started my period.  Not so much of an interesting fact for most readers, but it was a very emotional and difficult day for me.  You see, I had wanted to have another child for almost a year up to this point but my husband just wasn't ready (he'd recently been unemployed and wanted to provide properly for his family.  I admire him greatly but my emotions and control had gotten er, out of control).  In February 2010 (at the height of my frustration and disappointment) I came down with food poisoning.  Out of this time of weakness came a time of surrender and a "hanging up" of my control of wanting to have second child.  I decided that I was no longer going to bring it up in conversation and that I was simply going to pray about it and ask God to move on my husband's heart when the time was right.  I confess, the decision and deal was made out of spite and out of a defense to protect myself from further disappointment.  You see, I had it in my mind that 3 - 3 1/2 years was the perfect age between children.  This gap of even just trying to conceive was growing shorter and shorter.  Never mind the chance that maybe it would take several months or more to conceive.  

So, here I was celebrating my very own second Mother's day with my beautiful first-born gift of brown-headed sweetness with eyes that would melt any one's heart, yet I was hurting and longing so badly on the inside for another child.  I felt so guilty for hurting in this way.  But its where I was. Tears needed to flow in order to bring healing and another wave of surrender.  In order to keep up with my end of the surrender-deal, I had purposely closed myself off in the sun room so I could quietly grieve those moments in solitude while my daughter napped and my husband read the Sunday paper.  Suddenly my time was interrupted.  My questioning husband entered the scene and found me curled up on the far corner of the couch.  This time I came out with the ugly truth and sobbed until my head throbbed.  He truly didn't realize how bad I had been hurting and how much of a desire this was for me.  I remember feeling such a sense of freedom, and beauty that washed over me as I expressed such a vulnerable sorrow to my husband.  I told him that I had been torn between this intense longing for another child and respecting his desires as well, that weren't quite um, ripe at the time.  I don't remember too much more about our conversation on the couch that day other than coming away with a new, honest and pure sense of surrender.  There was mutual respect and a love that was shared in such sorrow.  This wasn't a controlling pity party where I was using my emotions to conjure up a response from my husband.  Like I said, I hid myself away to grieve alone so I kept up my end of the bargain I had made between myself and God. 

The feelings and desires I had for another child were shared with my husband on Mother's day 2010 from a place of brokenness and surrender.  The control was not there.  In fact, if I've ever felt out of control of something it was definitely during this time.  The beautiful thing about this moment is that I felt such healing from confessing and sharing the intense feelings and hurts.  I thought I needed to do the opposite to "be strong" and stand firm and hold up my end of a silly deal.  In fact, these legalistic and rigid ways were keeping me from truth and openness and healing. 

I share this because I believe there's something sacred about marriage that God wants us to see, learn from and preserve.  There's a natural reflection that He created in marriage between a husband and a wife that was intended to mirror God and the bride of Christ, the church.  You see, my husband sensed that something wasn't right.  He pursued me.  He drew me out of my self-loathing pain.  He wanted hear and listen to my heart.  He wanted me to be vulnerable with Him and not hide anything.  The good, the bad, the ugly.  He loved me in my mess.  We were both brought to a more close and intimate place.  We didn't make any decisions that day but healing was provided. 

If you do the math you can figure out that our second-born was conceived about two weeks later. It was a beautiful surrender of both of our hearts and wills. Don't read anything that comes close to manipulation in this story. That would be the opposite intent of my sharing it. There wasn't an ounce of that in the beautiful brokenness of the confession and healing that came on Mother's day 2010.

Wrapping this post up now.  My point is this.  We must become beautifully broken.  Throwing off preconceived thoughts/bets/deals/sins/places of hiding and darkness.  Letting go of control.  Surrendering our desires to God and trusting Him when he says that "all things work together for good for those who love God, who are called according to His purpose" - Romans 8:28.  Last time I checked, humility is according to His purpose and something that God looks for in His children.  Will all of our answers be met immediately? No.  But if you're in this true and pure place of surrender, you won't even care about the answer.  I promise.  I know from another experience that I'll write about at another time.  Its pure freedom.  I guarantee it, or your money back ;)