Three years ago I came face to face with the ugliest, blackest part of my heart. We all have it. Black spots of sin and hurts that we've nurtured, fed and felt entitled to coddle and love, in secret. It all came to the surface at a time when I was going through the toughest point in my marriage. Chris was unemployed. We'd been in ministry on staff at a loving and wonderful church, for our entire relationship, from dating to seven years of marriage. It was a precious time of learning and loving on others. Amazing youth, world travels, and deep friendships from this time are to be treasured forever.
All of this rich time in ministry coupled with my upbringing in a christian home and I'm not convinced that I've ever really believed the whole bible. I'm not saying that this is the right way of coming to a decision, especially one of this magnitude, I'm just saying that this is my story and what and how things have unfolded lately.
A couple of weeks ago, just before Easter, I realized that I hadn't abandoned my entire mind to fully trusting in and believing in the scriptures. Maybe because I've felt insecure and unable to fully understand all of it. Maybe because some parts are so poetic that I'm not sure what its really saying. Maybe because I have read parts as an historical account, not necessarily applicable to life today. As Easter approached and I began pondering the mystery and wonder of the cross, I felt like I needed to make a clear cut black and white decision. I was either going to continue riding the fence of being "luke warm" and pretty much be ineffective with the rest of my time here on earth, or I was going to fully give myself over to trust in God and His Word, the Bible in its entirety. It seems so simple yet its taken 30 years to fully say "yes" to everything. Don't get me wrong, I have believed in Jesus, God the Holy Spirit and the Bible for the greater portion of my life. But, what I'm saying now is that I'm ready and willing to actually start living like I believe it.
I've felt the love of God more in the last three years, since dealing with my ugliest sin, than I can describe. It has rocked my world to have exposed the most vulnerable part of my heart to God, my husband, my family, my friends and to feel loved deeper by the God of the universe than ever before. It proves to me that there is truth and power in the scripture: 2 Corinthians 7:10 "Godly sorrow brings repentance that leads to salvation and leaves no regret..."
I can boldly tell my story with no rocks unturned because I firmly believe and have felt that "there is no fear in love. But perfect love drives out fear, because fear has to do with punishment. The one who fears is not made perfect in love. We love because He first loved us." 1 John 4:18-19.
I'll revisit the situation that arose three years ago in another blog post. Many things have occured over the last 3 years that have sling-shotted me to this point. I want to end this post today with the hope that God speaks about in the first book of the Bible. This is at the very beginning of it all. I find such joy in this and I hope you do too. I don't expect to live a perfect life from here on out. Its impossible. BUT I will trust in the hope that God has created for us to 'master sin'. Cain and Abel were brothers and offspring of the first humans, Adam and Eve. Cain became angry at God because God did not approve of Cain's sacrifice. God already knows Cain's heart but yet He gives Cain a chance....
"Then the Lord said to Cain, 'Why are you angry? Why is your face downcast? If you do what is right, will you not be accepted? But if you do not do what is right, sin is crouching at your door, it desires to have you, but you must master it" Genesis 4:6-7. My visual interpretation of the underlined portion is crushing it under your foot and breaking the power of that sin. Rising above and resisting even the earliest temptation when it rises up. Master it. Through the power of God's spirit He has given us, we can battle and win/master these sins to fully be set free, and able to step into greater things on earth.
Lets be transparent and master our sin! What do we have to lose? I wish I could shout out from the highest mountain top how free this season has made me. How loved we are!!! And how EASY and FREE it is to experience true love and freedom.
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