Truth and Dare

Three years ago I came face to face with the ugliest, blackest part of my heart.  We all have it.  Black spots of sin and hurts that we've nurtured, fed and felt entitled to coddle and love, in secret.  It all came to the surface at a time when I was going through the toughest point in my marriage.  Chris was unemployed.  We'd been in ministry on staff at a loving and wonderful church, for our entire relationship, from dating to seven years of marriage.  It was a precious time of learning and loving on others.  Amazing youth, world travels, and deep friendships from this time are to be treasured forever.

All of this rich time in ministry coupled with my upbringing in a christian home and I'm not convinced that I've ever really believed the whole bible.  I'm not saying that this is the right way of coming to a decision, especially one of this magnitude, I'm just saying that this is my story and what and how things have unfolded lately.

A couple of weeks ago, just before Easter, I realized that I hadn't abandoned my entire mind to fully trusting in and believing in the scriptures.  Maybe because I've felt insecure and unable to fully understand all of it.  Maybe because some parts are so poetic that I'm not sure what its really saying.  Maybe because I have read parts as an historical account, not necessarily applicable to life today.  As Easter approached and I began pondering the mystery and wonder of the cross, I felt like I needed to make a clear cut black and white decision.  I was either going to continue riding the fence of being "luke warm" and pretty much be ineffective with the rest of my time here on earth, or I was going to fully give myself over to trust in God and His Word, the Bible in its entirety.  It seems so simple yet its taken 30 years to fully say "yes" to everything.  Don't get me wrong, I have believed in Jesus, God the Holy Spirit and the Bible for the greater portion of my life.  But, what I'm saying now is that I'm ready and willing to actually start living like I believe it. 

I've felt the love of God more in the last three years, since dealing with my ugliest sin, than I can describe.  It has rocked my world to have exposed the most vulnerable part of my heart to God, my husband, my family, my friends and to feel loved deeper by the God of the universe than ever before.  It proves to me that there is truth and power in the scripture: 2 Corinthians 7:10 "Godly sorrow brings repentance that leads to salvation and leaves no regret..."      

I can boldly tell my story with no rocks unturned because I firmly believe and have felt that "there is no fear in love.  But perfect love drives out fear, because fear has to do with punishment.  The one who fears is not made perfect in love.  We love because He first loved us." 1 John 4:18-19.

I'll revisit the situation that arose three years ago in another blog post.  Many things have occured over the last 3 years that have sling-shotted me to this point.  I want to end this post today with the hope that God speaks about in the first book of the Bible.  This is at the very beginning of it all.  I find such joy in this and I hope you do too.  I don't expect to live a perfect life from here on out.  Its impossible.  BUT I will trust in the hope that God has created for us to 'master sin'.  Cain and Abel were brothers and offspring of the first humans, Adam and Eve.  Cain became angry at God because God did not approve of Cain's sacrifice.  God already knows Cain's heart but yet He gives Cain a chance....
"Then the Lord said to Cain, 'Why are you angry? Why is your face downcast? If you do what is right, will you not be accepted?  But if you do not do what is right, sin is crouching at your door, it desires to have you, but you must master it" Genesis 4:6-7.  My visual interpretation of the underlined portion is crushing it under your foot and breaking the power of that sin.  Rising above and resisting even the earliest temptation when it rises up.  Master it.  Through the power of God's spirit He has given us, we can battle and win/master these sins to fully be set free, and able to step into greater things on earth. 

Lets be transparent and master our sin!  What do we have to lose?  I wish I could shout out from the highest mountain top how free this season has made me.  How loved we are!!! And how EASY and FREE it is to experience true love and freedom. 

Post-puberty independece

When I was 18 I had a revelation.  I'd somewhat been living a double life up to that point and I was ready to make a clear cut choice between which way I was going to live.  I chose to abandon the "Godly/good girl" in me and I literally made a black and white decision to live on the wild side.  You see, I was hurt, broken and had my own name that I wanted to make for myself.  I'd dabbled in sin before but this time I was making a declaration to myself and the world.  I'd been hurt by spiritual leaders in my life up to this point and I felt justified in turning my back on what I thought was truth.  Thankfully, this phase only lasted a couple of months.  Not too long, and I'm grateful for that, but long enough to feel dissatisfied and bored with the world's offerings.  Sure, it was a thrill at first and freeing to finally not care what other people thought, I'm not going to lie.  But every weekend began to look the same, with the exception of coming closer and closer to putting myself in danger physically and emotionally.

I remember one day driving home from a place where I'd fallen asleep passed out the night before and I was angry with God.  I was angry because I was not satisfied.  I was angry because I thought I'd turned my back and made this decision -once and for all- that I was going to go my own way yet, the anger was there because I could not be left alone.  The spiritual numbness wore off and my conscious the Holy Spirit was rising up all at once.  I was on I-485 and I remember clearly looking up at the overcast sky yelling at God and telling Him how mad I was and that I didn't want Him in my life and that I wanted to do my own thing because I had been hurt by what I thought was Him in the past.  The problem with my spite is that I had been drifting on the coattails of other peoples' faith for my entire life.  I'd been putting leaders on a pedestal where I was trying to equate them with Godly perfection. I'd experienced deep disappointment, mistrust and manipulation and I was pointing it all toward God.  For some reason, in this exact moment while driving, my mind was instantly flooded with a worship song.  It was ridiculous.  I was so confused and mad because I couldn't stop the ringing of the song in my head while I was up on my own pedestal being angry.  Unfortunately, I cannot tell you the name of the song, BUT I can tell you that something supernatural happened in the following 15 minutes.  By the time I got home I was the most confused and torn up person I've ever seen.  I sat at the kitchen counter on a bar stool and was shaking on the inside.  My dad walked in.  Out of my mouth came the most honest and vulnerable statement that I'd ever spoken up to that point.  "I've been getting drunk".  More words followed but they don't matter today.  What matters today is that my dad loved me.  He did not rebuke me.  He loved me.  He did not punish me.  He loved me.  He did not stuff spiritual jargon down my throat.  He listened to me and loved me in my mess.  The grace and mercy that I received that day marks the beginning of my falling in love with Jesus.  For myself. 

Almost 13 years have passed since then.  Some amazing things have taken place in my life.  I've fallen in love, I've married, worked some amazing jobs, travelled the world, I've given birth to two beautiful children, etc.  But, I leave you with the tease that I truly believe that I've just begun to really LIVE in the last couple of months. 

...and it all started with another deep, dark and vulnerable confession.

"He who conceals his sins does not prosper, but whoever confesses and renounces them finds mercy" -Proverbs 28:13

"Therefore confess your sins to eachother and pray for eachother so that you may be healed"

-James 5:16

    

Kudos to my great grandparents on down

No, I’m not making a thank you speech for winning any awards or notable achievements.  I’m not subconsciously trying to puff myself up in some backwards kind of way.  To the contrary, I’ve become convicted over the last bit of time that I have not been thankful, grateful or honoring to those who have influenced me towards this place of freedom.  I’d be nothing short of a fool (hoodwink, con, deceiver, cheat, bamboozler-that one’s my favorite) if I did not first acknowledge and honor those who have impacted my life to this point. 

I’ve been told that my Swedish great grandmother used to pray regularly for her descendants.  I look forward to meeting her one day to hear how she raised such a brood of boys, 2 girls in the mix, and still had time to make fresh bread, 3 square meals and fresh molasses cookies each day.  I imagine that she was a little less distracted with things like facebook, texting, email and blogs.  Also, I know that my Irish great grandmother on the other side of the family was a praying woman and had great faith in God through the Catholic Church.  No doubt that I believe she prayed for her family down through my generation.  My parents obviously impacted and influenced my spiritual walk, as well as my physical walk.  Thankfully, I was a rather compliant child so I didn’t limp too terribly bad from the infrequent spankings I received.  Actually, I have always been served a “bounty and feast” when it came to Christianity and a relationship with Jesus.  I remember pretending to be a DJ in my living room, sitting on the brown shag carpet in front of our stereo.  The high-tech stereo was littered with switches and buttons that controlled two cassette players, a record player and an AM/FM radio.  I would shuffle through a mix of Amy Grant, Psalty, Sandi Patty, Carmen and Footloose, until I thought my invisible radio audience was satisfied and brought to a closer walk with God through the music I selected for them to hear.  I’m sure I threw a little commentary in as well as I leaned in and whispered into the magnetic buttons that fastened the then-modern glass doors. 

Miracles, healing, spirit-filled laughter, deliverance, dancing in church, banners and flags, speaking in tongues, and more were common terms and occurrences at the churches and home groups my family attended.  The life and freedom I was served growing up has obviously been taken for granted at different times in my life although, the foundations of grace and healing have surely saved me from a plethora of hurt and struggles I could’ve incurred.  Also, the prayers of my in-laws have certainly had an impact on my life.  They prayed from the time they gave birth to their son that God would prepare his future wife.  My husband, the year before we met, felt specifically called to begin praying for his future wife.  Little did he know at that time that I was going through my “wild phase” but was miraculously saved from great hurt (physically and emotionally) in the midst of my rebellion. 

School teachers, pastors, youth pastors, friends, family, mentors, worship leaders, bible study teachers, YWAM leaders, the youth that my husband and I led for seven years, co-workers, bosses and my children have all played a role in shaping me and revealing characteristics of who God is.  I’d be nothing short of a fool/bamboozler if I did not honor and acknowledge the people who have spoken truth, love and rebukes (yes, we’re all in need of being knocked off our horses a time or two, or in my case almost every day) at just the right time to help nurture and mature my spiritual walk.

For all the life, good and spiritual feast that has been served to me through the influencers listed above, I have somehow, countless times, only chosen to see the humanness and negatives from people, instead of the truths that have been offered.  I guess because I’m a resident of planet earth I too have faults and sins, I mean, I guess ;)  But you know what?  God has still chosen to use all of the people I’ve listed, and in His graciousness, myself included, to bless others.  And I’m pretty positive He’s used you too.  In fact, He even used a DONKEY to speak in the book of Numbers 22.

²⁷ This time when the donkey saw the angel, it lay down under Balaam. In a fit of rage Balaam beat the animal again with his staff.
²⁸ Then the Lord gave the donkey the ability to speak. “What have I done to you that deserves your beating me three times?” it asked Balaam.
²⁹ “You have made me look like a fool!” Balaam shouted. “If I had a sword with me, I would kill you!”
³⁰ “But I am the same donkey you have ridden all your life,” the donkey answered. “Have I ever done anything like this before?”
“No,” Balaam admitted.

When my husband reminded me of this passage my heart leaped and I got so excited that I couldn’t stop my mind from being flooded with the countless truths and messages that I’ve heard in the past, yet had such spiritual pride at the time that I could not receive the truths, only ugly criticism and judgments came out of my heart.  It’s as if I’ve just been awakened from a dream and I’m now recalling the pertinent parts (truths) in clarity instead of the foggy details (or criticisms I once had).  My heart of stone is truly becoming a heart of flesh and I can physically, emotionally and spiritually feel it.  What a more joy-filled, light load this is!!!  (Matthew 11:28-30 ^“Then Jesus said, “Come to me, all of you who are weary and carry heavy burdens, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you. Let me teach you, because I am humble and gentle at heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy to bear, and the burden I give you is light.”)

Do you hear the promise here:

Proverbs 17:9 “Love prospers when a fault is forgiven, but dwelling on it separates close friends”

            My love for the people listed in this blog entry has actually increased and I want to hear more truths that the Lord would speak through THEM.  It’s as if I’ve expected every person (except myself, of course) to be perfect and to be like God and if I see a fault in them, I’ve discounted all the truth they’ve ever spoken.  

In this season I’ve found it hard to stop “there”.  Or, in this case, right here in this blog.  But, I am practicing self control and my desire is to convey things as clearly as possible.  It is because of love (note the previous entry) that my eyes have been opened and my heart is being washed and these are just fruits of the journey.  I’ve chosen to work backwards in conveying this season to you.  You’ll see why, eventually.

The image I leave you with today is of my daughter.  This was taken last summer.  There's not 1 heavy burden that she's carrying as she's simply doing what kids were created to do.  And oh, what joy and freedom she's experiencing.

Where it begins

I feel the need to begin this blogging journey with the smallest morsel that has rocked my world.  I now choose to think about this at the beginning, middle and end of every day.  Its something that makes my heart beat wildly, my breath deep and refreshing, my sight more clear, my mind less cluttered and my words more precise and meaningful.  It feeds my deepest desire to be wanted, needed and purpose-filled.  It simplifies my thinking and washes away confusing theology.  It rebukes fear and timidness from my mind and heart.  It is healing balm to wounds and scars from my past.  It opens my eyes to see others' needs and desires for purpose and love.  This is the heart of my blog.  This is what has brought me here to this point.  This is what sets us free to do greater things than we can even begin to imagine.  This is a foundation that is being set upon my heart.  This is where life truly begins. 

I dare you to simplify your thoughts and focus, meditate and breathe this in over and over today.  It will rock your world.

1 John 4:18
¹⁸ There is no fear in love, but perfect love casts out fear. For fear has to do with punishment, and whoever fears has not been perfected in love.

The entire chapter is rich and amazing and I encourage you to dive into it.  But for simplicity's sake today, and for you to know the real heart of this entry (and entire blog) I just present this morsel to you.  This is the platform for where I will begin sharing about my journey into freedom.

The picture I leave you with today is of our first-born asleep on daddy.  There's not an ounce of fear in her and this is where I want to be.  This close to my Father's heart.